Lost in space…

As I start preparing for this move, my thoughts are running at a thousand miles a minute.  I KNOW that it will be a positive and beneficial move for me, to move to my new house, yet I am still apprehensive.  I have been in my current neighborhood for nearly 20 years.  In my current neighborhood I know people, and more importantly, they know me.  If I ever have a problem, they would be more than willing to help, and more importantly, I’d be (sort of, maybe) willing to ask them for help.  Not to mention, the woman across the street, sends a plate of food, on several major holidays.  Home cooked food is the best, it shows love, something the world needs more of.  I will honestly, feel like a fish out of water, for a while.  I fear the forlornness of the situation.  I know that because of the big guy above us, am not “alone”, but I still feel “lonely”.  Sadly, not knowing anyone will definitely not help me feel less lonely.  I will have to fight the feeling, and KNOW that “better things” are coming.  I have recently learned that the community center for The Pinnacle is about one mile away, from where my house is being built.  Since there are sidewalks, that should not be as bad as it could be.  To be honest though, it is still unlikely that I will go.  I do have a motor, that I can easily put on my chair, to “shrink” the distance.  I am just not sure if people actually use the community center.  In the beginning, I had to go to the community center to sign some paperwork.  Other than the five of us, there was no one around.  Not to mention, one mile in a wheelchair is a long distance, to be involved in more “solitude”.  Conjecture tells me that somehow I NEED to find and make friends.  Of course I mean, friends that are more than just waving “hello” when we pass each other in the driveways or on the street.  Maybe, some of us can hang out and do something sometime; I’m not sure what, but something.  Sadly, it has taken me forever, to make the few friends that I have.  Although they are great people, we don’t do things together, mostly because they have lives and families.  Basically, for me making friends is hard…obviously, I am not an extrovert.  I need to have the fortitude, to socialize, and make new friends.  I can talk until I’m blue in the face about what I SHOULD do, but until I am there it doesn’t matter what I think or say.  Everyone has a fear or phobia of something.  Some have a fear of clowns, and some even have a fear of the number 6.  The thing that I am most afraid of is lonesomeness.  A person said something about having “Facebook friends”.  Just because you have “friends” on FB, sorry to say, does not necessarily mean much.  You may have thousands of FB friends, but how often do you really talk to or actually see them?  Would they pick you up if you ran out of gas?  Ok I’m getting sidetracked here.  I lived with VERY little social interaction for 10 years, so I know the feelings and I want to avoid the “replay”.  I have said it before, and I will say it again, we as humans are “social creatures”, built to love and be loved.  I apparently missed the “socializing” gene, for lack of a better term.  People have said to me a million times, something to the effect of, “just don’t be shy”.  WAIT…WHAT???  How can you just change who you have been your entire life?  I’ve also been told many times to get on a dating website and “go crazy”.  I’m not sure what “go crazy” means, but I am still shy and nervous to talk to people.  No dating website is ever going to change that.  I’m shy, and I’m not much of a conversation starter.  I can (sort of) be a good conversationalist, if a conversation is started but I’m not good at starting, said conversation. I fear that I am doomed to be alone.  I know that I need to stay positive, but ten years of “isolation”, does not easily leave your memory.  The other aspect of this move that is…challenging (trying to stay positive) is that choosing things for the house, ie curtains ect, is better done with a significant other (IMHO).  Instead of putting my likes and dislikes only, having another’s input is very important (again IMHO).  So this move is definitely a bitter sweet endeavor.  It is good, because physically it will make my life easier.  I need to simply, focus on that part specifically and not think about anything else.  I need to have faith that the rest will come together and fall into place.  It is sometimes difficult to simply, keep the faith.