One week contains 168 hours, and we sleep approximately 56 hours. If I am lucky, I have an aide here for 6 hours, making 6,360 minutes per week that I sit in these four walls in solitary confinement. I have no one to talk to in this cold isolation of abandonment, although some people say they love it when their family goes on vacation and leaves them at home by themselves. Father time does not stand still for anything, and for that matter, as the clock gets older, it seems to move faster. The only way to get time to slow down is by staring at a clock face, but then you do not get to live your life as I have stared at the clock for too long.
This joyous feeling during the family vacations is because they enjoy the quiet of getting away from the hustle and bustle of family life, even if only briefly. However, although being at home solo for a week is delightful, being alone for over a decade is dreadfully debilitating. If you conjure up the worst-case scenario of being alone in your mind, you still cannot conceive or perceive what it truly feels like to be alone. Therefore, I can not and should never return to the life-threatening darkness of my early MS days.
So as I sit and contemplate this complicated conundrum, I question if there is more to life? I cannot believe this vast nothingness is all there is for me for the rest of my days. So I searched Columbus for activities for me to help ameliorate and eliminate the loneliness and desolation in my heart. People tell me there are many endeavors to be involved in, in town, and I agree there are many things to do in Columbus.
However, these activities may be plentiful for people without disabilities, but they are scattered far and wide, making them hard to find. In addition, because these activities spread so far, it makes being involved in one difficult, let alone more than one activity, with both weather and lack of transportation a limiting factor. Others have told me I should get a pet because a pet would give unconditional love. However, I do not want a pet; I want a LIFE.
I tried to think of all of my options every day to determine what I could do because, sadly, neither friends nor family visited me regularly. Daily I struggled to conjure up something I could do to eliminate my boredom drenched in loneliness, but there was nothing. There had to be something to keep me from visiting the dark place smeared in my tears of so long ago. So I sat here one day pondering my prolific problem, and in the back of my mind, I heard my mom’s voice. Since retiring, my mom told me she has been busier now than when working, and it kept playing in my memory. I would constantly hear her reminding words while I muddled through my day.
I honestly had nothing to spend my money on while locked in this house during the pandemic, so I got an idea. Because of this lack of required spending, I put every spare dollar I had to pay extra on my house. I am not sure what the reasoning was for this idea, but it was simple to put in motion. When my house payment was due, I made sure I paid my bills, and grocery money was untouched. 90% of the money I had left I added directly to my house payment, leaving me with growing equity for future possibilities. I felt like a squirrel hiding money, except it was on my mortgage and not in my house.
I assembled my ideas and postulated possibilities of a prolonged relocation peregrination. Then, one day I thought about the concept of moving to a place more active, giving me a more enjoyable life. Would it be possible to take the equity in this house and purchase a home in a new state, making it affordable as housing prices continue to rise? So I researched places in Florida where the sun shines more, and there are more activities and more people, simply more.
The more I thought about it, the more of a reality it became, so I decided I would move in October or November. This delayed departure would allow me to get stronger in the pool and say goodbye to friends. It would also allow me to arrive after the heat of the summer and will enable me to acclimate to the temperatures more slowly.
I am optimistically terrified of my next adventure!